Endnotes: Chapter 10

  1. This approach was borrowed from Neil Clark Warren, Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner (New York: Pocket Books, 1992), and includes many of his insights.
  2. Tim Stafford, “So Which Is Better?,” Marriage Partnership, Summer 1988, 78.
  3. In this widely used expression, mad does not refer to anger. It is a synonym for “insane, demented, rash, foolish.”
  4. Walt Disney’s Bambi (New York: Walt Disney Press, 1993), 39.
  5. Ben Young and Samuel Adams maintain that you don’t really lose your head; rather, your brain is relocated. “Here’s how it works: once the hormones kick in, the brain dislodges from the skull and slowly moves down the body, through the neck, shoulders, chest, stomach, and finally, below the waist. His process takes ten to twenty minutes for women and about three seconds for men. But once it happens, it’s too late! You are thinking and reasoning with your hormones instead of your brain.” The 10 Commandments of Dating (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999), 24-25.
  6. John Van Epp, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (New York, McGraw-Hill, 2006), 27-28. Van Epp goes on to explain four detrimental effects of what he calls “that intoxicating attraction”: 1) it is not always a good judge of character; 2) it sees what it wants to see; 3) it is not constant even in the best of relationships; and 4) it can prompt premature sexual involvement (which greatly complicates a relationship). Ibid., 78, 84.
  7. This is not the same as premarital counseling, which helps an already-engaged couple prepare for their marriage. Pre-engagement counseling occurs earlier in the courtship process and is intended to help the couple assess their suitability for marriage.
  8. A thorough treatment of the principle “marry only a believer” would require exposition of these relevant passages: Deuteronomy 7:1–6; 1 Kings 11:1–8; Nehemiah 13:23–27; Malachi 2:11 (niv); 1 Corinthians 9:5, and the passage we have already studied, 1 Corinthians 7:39. The strong sanctions in the Old Testament against intermarriage with unbelievers were given for two primary reasons: (1) intermarriage would compromise God’s holiness (Deuteronomy 7:6); and (2) it would inevitably destroy the experiential holiness of God’s people (Deuteronomy 7:4).
  9. In 2 Corinthians 6:14, Paul employed an agricultural metaphor of an ox and a donkey (Deuteronomy 22:10) harnessed together in a double yoke. No believer is to be so “mismated” with an unbeliever. Not only are the believer’s values, goals, motivations, and enablement for living incompatible with those of an unbeliever; they are diametrically opposed! They are serving two different lords that are archenemies of each other. See Murray J. Harris, “2 Corinthians,” Expositor’s Bible Commentary, vol. 10, ed. Frank Gaebelein (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1976), 359.
  10. Significantly, sociological research confirms the detrimental effect on marriage of “having different religious backgrounds” or “not practicing faith together.” These are among the risk factors that “greatly increase the odds of divorce.” Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2001), 17,38-42.
  11. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, “Ten Important Research Findings on Marriage and Choosing a Marriage Partner: Helpful Facts for Young Adults,” National Marriage Project, Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, November, 2004,  http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/ten-important-research-findings-on-marriage-and-choosing-a-marriage-partner-helpful-facts-for-young-/index.aspx.
  12. This includes the process of individuation, the determination of core values, the development of core competencies, and the work of spiritual formation. Bill Hybels with Lynne Hybels, Making Life Work (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1998), 117-18.
  13. Ibid., 118.
  14. Some recent writers have advanced the argument that more Christians should marry at a younger age primarily because of sexual pressures. For a summary of their arguments and my critique, see the article, “Should Christians Be Marrying at a Younger Age?” COMING SOON.
  15. According to Neil Clark Warren, “The divorce rate for those who marry at twenty-one or twenty-two is exactly double that of those who marry at twenty-four or twenty-five” (italics his). How to Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999), 28. Pastor John Stott gives this counsel: “Don’t be in too great a hurry to get married. We human beings do not reach maturity until we are about twenty-five. To marry before this runs the risk of finding yourself at twenty-five married to somebody who was a very different person at the age of twenty.” Cited in Albert Y. Hsu, Singles at the Crossroads: A Fresh Perspective on Christian Singleness (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1997), 181.
  16. H. Norman Wright calls this “the three-to-sixth-month syndrome.” Finding Your Perfect Mate (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1995, 2003), 90-91. John Van Epp, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, (New York, McGraw-Hill, 2006), 70-71. Ben Young and Samuel Adams, The One: A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2001), 74-75.
  17. Ben Young and Samuel Adams, “Commandment Four: Thou Shalt Take It Slow,” The 10 Commandments of Dating (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999), 53-69.
  18. This suggestion applies to a new relationship where the individuals have just met or are not well acquainted. Good, long-term friends whose relationship is moving to a new level may not require as much getting-to-know-you time.
  19. See Henry Cloud’s chapter, “Do You Have to Get Married?—Dating Is Not for the Lonely,” in How to Get a Date Worth Keeping (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2005), 204-8.
  20. The PREPARE/ENRICH program of premarital counseling produced by Life Innovations is especially effective in guiding couples through this process. It must be administered by a counselor trained by Life Innovations. For more information, see their website www.prepare-enrich.com/
  21. Steven Reinberg, “CDC: Majority of U.S. Adults Had Troubled Childhoods,” USA Today, December 12, 2010, www.usatoday.com/yourlife/parenting-family/2010-12-17-adult-majority-troubled-childhood_N.htm?csp., accessed August 23, 2011.
  22. A good place to start would be the relevant articles in The Complete Life Encyclopedia by Frank Minirth, Paul Meier, and Stephen Arterburn (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1995). Here are some other helpful resources. For adult children of alcoholics: Charles Sell, Unfinished Business: Helping Adult Children Resolve Their Past (Portland, OR: Multnomah Press, 1989); for adult children of divorce: Jim Conway, Adult Children of Legal or Emotional Divorce: Healing Your Long-Term Hurt (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1990); for victims of sexual abuse: Dan B. Allender, The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1990); Steven R. Tracy, Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2008).
  23. See Ben Young and Samuel Adams, “Commandment Nine: Thou Shalt Not Ignore Warning Signs,” The 10 Commandments of Dating, 131-47.
  24. Markman, Stanley, Blumberg, Fighting for Your Marriage, 17. These developers and directors of PREP® (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) have identified two categories of risk factors: static (relatively unchangeable) and dynamic (subject to change). The static factors include: having a personality tendency to react strongly or defensively to problems and disappointments; having divorced parents; living together prior to marriage; being previously divorced (yourself or your partner); having children from a previous marriage; having different religious backgrounds; marrying at a very young age; knowing each other only for a short time before marriage; and experiencing financial hardship. The dynamic factors are: negative styles of talking and fighting with each other, such as arguments that rapidly become negative, put-downs, and the silent treatment; difficulty communicating well, especially when you disagree; trouble handling disagreements as a team; unrealistic beliefs about marriage; having different attitudes about important things; a low level of commitment to each other, reflected in such things as not protecting your relationship from others you are attracted to or failing to view your marriage as a long term investment; and failing to practice faith together. Fight for Your Marriage, 38-42.
  25. Warren, How to Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing, 112.
  26. “If you try to build intimacy with another person before you have done the hard work of getting yourself whole and healthy, all your relationships will become attempts to complete yourself. Moreover, if you are not healthy yourself, you will almost always attach yourself to another person in hopes of validating your self-worth.” Neil Clark Warren with Ken Abraham, Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons (New York: Center Street, 2005), 35,61,63.
  27. Les Parrott and Neil Clark Warren, Love the Life You Live (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 2004), 11.