Endnotes: Chapter 13

  1. As a persistent proclivity, the propensity (or more precisely, penchant) for alliteration on the part of preachers is probably pathological. Sometimes it’s perturbing.
  2. That is the meaning of her statement in 3:9: “Spread your wings [or the corners of your garment] over your servant, for you are a redeemer” (ESV). The NET Bible gives this paraphrase: “Marry your servant, for you are a guardian of the family interests.”
  3. Dov Heller, Get the Ring: How to Find and Keep the Right One for Life (audio CD), ed. David LeVine, (Bradenton, FL: Warm Wisdom Press, 2003), Disc 5. Neil Clark Warren reinforces the importance of kindness: “It might surprise you to discover that in survey after survey, both men and women rate kindness as the second most important quality to look for in a mate. Men worldwide…most often rate vitality as the number one trait they are looking for in a mate, while women consistently rate security as the number one quality they are looking for in a husband. Both men and women, however, want a mate who is kind.” Neil Clark Warren with Ken Abraham, Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons (New York: Center Street, 2005), 192.
  4. See the online article, “Never Get Married Because You Are in Love.” www.warmwisdompress.com/dating-love/Never_Get_Married_Because_You_Are_In_Love.aspx.
  5. Ben Young and Samuel Adams, The 10 Commandments of Dating (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999), 157-62.
  6. Warren, Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons, 81.
  7. Ironically, one result of such commitment is freedom. “It allows you to be yourself at the deepest of levels, to risk and grow, to be absolutely authentic without any fear of being abandoned.” Neil Clark Warren, Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner (New York: Pocket Books, 1992), 141.
  8. No modern word quite captures the full range of meaning found in troth. The closest contemporary term would probably be pledge.
  9. J.H. Olthuis, “Marriage,” New Dictionary of Christian Ethics and Pastoral Theology, ed. David J. Atkinson and David H. Field (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1995), 566.
  10. This sentence is the title of chapter 3 in Warren’s first book on mate selection, Finding the Love of Your Life (1992). It is a prominent theme in all his books addressed to marriage-minded singles.
  11. Warren, Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons, 42.
  12. John Van Epp, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2006), 77.
  13. “Years ago, I could build a strong case that as long as individuals were similar in their intelligence levels, their actual formal education would not make a big difference to them. Over the years, as I’ve confronted the clinical evidence of couples in my office on the brink of calling it quits, I’ve had to change my thinking on this dimension. I am now convinced that having similar educational backgrounds does indeed matter. If you are not closely matched in your levels of education, at the very minimum you should have a similar appreciation for the value of education and the hard work that it requires.” Warren, Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons, 114.
  14. Sociologists explain this by means of the equity/exchange (or social-exchange) theory: “[W]hat these fancy-sounding words mean is that you will probably not feel totally comfortable with your partner unless you have obtained a fairly equal exchange with your beloved in most of these areas. In other words, you will just naturally feel more at ease with a partner who is similar to you in level of attractiveness, social status, educational background, and so on. If my spouse were much ‘better’ than me in some of these areas—for instance, if she had a graduate degree while I had dropped out of high school—I would probably feel bad about the match, and believe that I wasn’t contributing my fair share to the situation.” David Nicholson, What You Need to Know Before You Fall in Love, (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1995), 119-20. See also H. Norman Wright, Finding the Right One for You (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1995), 85-88.
  15. For an assessment of the significance of temperament in mate selection see my article, “Are You My Type?: Temperament Matching in Mate Evaluation,” Coming Soon.
  16. To learn the author’s views on marital roles, see the article “Spirit-Filled Marriage.”  Also read Kathy Keller’s excellent exposition in chapter 6 (“Embracing the Other”) of Timothy and Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (New York: Dutton, 2011), 170-91.
  17. “It almost seems to us that couples in some way find each other on the basis of their potential to induce change…Their search for a mate is not haphazard, but rather based on some kind of deeply intuitive homing device that relentlessly and purposely pursues exactly the kind of person who will provide them with the stimulation for the growth they are seeking.” Robert F. Stahmann and William J. Hiebert, Premarital Counseling (Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, 1980), 20-21, cited in H. Norman Wright, Finding the Right One for You, 91.
  18. Van Epp, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, 43.
  19. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries in Dating (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2000), 144 (italics theirs). Cloud and Townsend devote an entire chapter (9) to “Beware When Opposites Attract.”
  20. Van Epp, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, 91-92.
  21. A pheromone is “a chemical secreted by an animal, especially an insect, that influences the behavior or development of others of the same species, often functioning as an attractant of the opposite sex.” The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 4th ed. (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004). http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pheromone. Accessed November 1, 2007. Some research has been conducted in an attempt to determine whether humans communicate via pheromones, but nothing conclusive has been established.
  22. “Frankly, trying to define chemistry is like trying to nail fog to the wall.” Warren, Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons, 201.
  23. Young and Adams, 10 Commandments of Dating, 141.
  24. People from non-Western cultures, whose marriages are arranged by family members, shake their heads at our mantra: “first comes love, then comes marriage.” An Indian man who did not even see his wife until the day of their wedding observed, “After seven years of marriage, I think we have a happier marriage than many couples we hear about in the West…We put cold soup on the fire and it becomes slowly warm; you put hot soup into a cold plate and it becomes slowly cold. You marry the girl you love. We love the woman we have married.” Ingrid Trobisch, “Kahlid’s Mystery Bride,” Marriage Partnership, Summer 1988, 75.
  25. Warren, Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons, 203-4.
  26. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries in Dating, 107, 118.
  27. I am indebted to John Van Epp for the second constellation of comparability, complementarity, and chemistry. “The soul mate you need is a person with whom you have a rich chemistry, whose differences make you better than you could be on your own, and who shares many of your core values and life goals, as well as some of your personality qualities and lifestyle preferences.” How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, 77.
  28. One resource to assist in such self-evaluation is Neil Warren’s chapter 2, “Know Yourself,” in How to Know If Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999), 25-41. He has an abbreviated version of the same content in Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons, 217-20. In fact, just filling out the questionnaire for eHarmony.com will be a major exercise in self-awareness and self-disclosure.
  29. Les Parrott, “The Question That Could Save Your Marriage Before It Begins,” Crosswalk.com, October 10, 2003, accessed at www.crosswalk.com/family/singles/the-question-that-could-save-your-marriage-before-it-begins-1224644.html. Accessed September 26, 2013.