Endnotes: Chapter 14

  1. Rosie Einhorn and Sherry Zimmerman, Get the Ring: How to Find and Keep the Right One for Life (audio CD), part 3, ed. David LeVine (Bradenton, FL: Warm Wisdom Press, 2003).
  2. 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life: Defining Your Dating Style, ed. Alex Chediak (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2005).
  3. Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar: Readings on Courting and Marrying, ed. Amy A. Kass and Leon R. Kass (Notre Dame, IN: University of Notre Dame Press, 2000), 2,23.
  4. A more detailed survey is provided in chapter 17 of Singleness, Marriage, and the Will of God. Primary resources for this section include: Rodney M. Cate and Sally A. Lloyd, Courtship (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, Inc., 1992); Stephanie Coontz, Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy or How Love Conquered Marriage (New York: Viking Penguin, 2005); Beth L. Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth-Century America (Baltimore, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press, 1989); Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, ed. Kass and Kass; Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, Why There Are No Good Men Left; Lauren Winner, “The Countercultural Path,” 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life, ed. Chediak; Kathleen A. Bogle, Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (New York: New York University Press, 2008).
  5. During this era the customs of formal engagement announcements and the giving of engagement rings began. This is also when brides began wearing white dresses and veils (symbolizing purity) in formal wedding ceremonies.
  6. Readers familiar with the classic Christmas movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, may recall a scene that illustrates this custom. When George Bailey comes calling on Mary Hatch, her mother (who does not approve of George) repeatedly intrudes upon their parlor room conversation.
  7. Rodney M. Cate and Sally A. Lloyd add this pertinent endnote: “The history of courtship is limited largely to the history of white, middle-class and upper-class customs (Rothman, 1984). Information on courtship patterns among ethnic families (particularly black families under slavery), working-class families, and poor families is rather sketchy.” Courtship, 22, endnote 1.
  8. This new social custom was immortalized in the original first verse of a song now sung during the seventh-inning stretch of many baseball games. “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” was written by Jack Norworth in 1908 while riding on a subway train in New York City. He had never attended a baseball game, but he understood the social dynamics of young men and young women.

    Katie Casey was baseball mad,
    Had the fever and had it bad.
    Just to root for the home town crew,
    Ev’ry sou, Katie blew.
    On a Saturday her young beau
    Called to see if she’d like to go
    To see a show, but Miss Kate said “No,
    I’ll tell you what you can do:”

    “Take me out to the ball game,
    Take me out with the crowd;
    Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
    I don’t care if I ever get back.
    Let me root, root, root for the home team,
    If they don’t win, it’s a shame.
    For it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out,
    At the old ball game.”

  1. Beth L. Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat, cited in Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, 34.
  2. The origin of the term date to describe these social outings probably stems from the economic exchange involved in obtaining the services of a prostitute. To “make a date” was to secure an appointment on the calendar of the woman from whom one was purchasing sexual favors. It apparently didn’t take very long for the word to gain respectability in the common vernacular. Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat, cited in Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, 35.
  3. Whitehead, Why There Are No Good Men Left, 13. For a side-by-side comparison of the traditional marrying system and the emergent relationship system, see chapter 6, endnote 18.
  4. Bogle, Hooking Up, 42.
  5. R. Paul Stevens, “Dating,” The Complete Book of Everyday Christianity (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1997), 267.
  6. Jonathan Lindvall, “The Dangers of Dating: Scriptural Romance—Part 1,” January 1, 2005. www.lifeandlibertyministries.com/archives/000149.php.
  7. Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Sisters, OR: Multnomah Books, 1997). Harris’s criticisms of dating are enumerated in his second chapter, “The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating” (pages 29-43):
    1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment.
    2. Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of a relationship.
    3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
    4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
    5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.
    6. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness.
    7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character.
  8. Ibid., 205.
  9. Douglas Wilson, “The Courtship Path,” 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life, 85.
  10. Jonathan Lindvall, “The Betrothal Path,” 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life, 144.
  11. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries in Dating (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2000), 16.
  12. Not all proponents of a particular approach to courtship maintain that their preference is the biblically prescribed one. Harris, for instance, does not make such a claim. Some advocates for courtship and betrothal do believe they have identified the biblical approach. But, in my judgment, they fail to make their case. For a more complete critique of these alternative views, see my article, “Dating, Courtship, or Betrothal? Is There a Biblically Prescribed Method for Mate Selection?
  13. Outside of cults, I know of no one who argues that this approach is biblically prescribed for believers today. The betrothal system modifies the practices of the biblical era, reducing the level of parental authority.
  14. Ben Young and Samuel Adams, The One : A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2001), 27.
  15. In the Old Testament, God’s prophets set moral boundaries that restricted the potential for abuse by those who exercised power, while providing protections for the welfare and dignity of those in subjection. In the New Testament, the apostles spelled out the ways in which righteousness and grace should affect the behaviors and characters of those who seek to please God in every arena of life. J.W. Drane, “Family,” New Dictionary of Biblical Theology, ed. T. Desmond Alexander et al. (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2000), 494.
  16. R. Paul Stevens, “Dating,” The Complete Book of Everyday Christianity, Robert Banks and R. Paul Stevens, eds. (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1997), 268.
  17. Many single-adult readers will wonder what to make of the authoritative role of the father that is central to the patriarchal versions of courtship and betrothal described. Proponents of these approaches are sincerely attempting to understand and apply biblical teaching. But they appear to overlook two significant factors. First, the absolute authority assigned to fathers in the Bible pertains to dependent children living in the home. All children are required to “honor” their parents (Exodus 20:12; Mark 7:9-13; Ephesians 6:2), but only minors are required to “obey” (Ephesians 6:1-4; Colossians 3:20-21). Second, in antiquity, girls usually became brides in their teen years, often upon the onset of puberty. A girl whose marriage was arranged by her father would be obedient to him, in part, because she was a dependent child until she became another man’s wife. Marriage was the means by which a girl became an adult woman. Most brides in contemporary culture are adult women living independently of their parents. Such independence is regarded as desirable, for it demonstrates that the woman has acquired the maturity and life-skills to be a capable spouse. So the patriarchal authority attending proposed approaches to courtship are neither biblically demanded nor culturally applicable. On the other hand, many single adults would be well-advised to pay more attention to parental counsel in their marital considerations.
  18. Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson, Soul Virgins: Redefining Single Sexuality (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2006). This book is highly recommended.
  19. “Date,” Random House Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 2nd ed., cited in “The Purposeful Path,” 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life, ed. Chediak, 158.
  20. Matthew 22:37-40.
  21. John 13:14; 13:34-35; 15:12, 17; Romans 12:10,16; 13:8; 14:13; 15:5,7,14; 16:16; 2 Corinthians 13:11-12; Galatians 5:13; 6:1-2; Ephesians 4:2,25,32; 5:19,21; Colossians 3:9,13,16; 1 Thessalonians 3:12; 4:9,18; 5:11,15; Hebrews 3:13; 10:24-25; James 4:11; 5:9,16; 1 Peter 1:22; 4:8,10; 5:14; 1 John 3:11,23; 4:7,12.
  22. Romans 13:13; 1 Corinthians 6:13,18; 10:8; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3.
  23. Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries in Dating, 17-21. The developers of the PREPARE/ENRICH program provide a similar list of the advantages of dating:
    1. Learning about differences in people.
    2. Getting to know ourselves better.
    3. Learning about our likes and dislikes.
    4. Learning relational skills.
  24. David H. Olson, John DeFrain, Amy K. Olson, Building Relationships (Minneapolis, MN: Life Innovations, 1999), 24-25.